Happiness Isn’t “Normal”
Written In Honor Of Mental Health Awareness Day
Parents, please don’t mislead your kids into believing that happiness is the “normal” state of being. Happiness is a transient state. It is going to come and go, no matter how hard we try to hold onto the feel-good endorphin buzz that pleasure provides.
Kids raised to believe that they are either entitled — or obligated — to feel happy all of the time are in for a very unpleasant reality check when life sucker punches them from behind on an otherwise lovely Tuesday afternoon. As they (figuratively) lie on the ground wondering what just happened they will likely feel betrayed (what nonsense is this ) or guilty (what is wrong with me), neither of which is going to help them to get up and continue moving forward.
It’s okay to not be okay is a mental health tagline of infinite wisdom. It reminds us that there is space for “other.”
Enter all of the other normal and legitimate emotions that people feel: sad, angry, jealous, disgusted, afraid, excited, bored, tired, lonely, proud, et cetera and so on. The breadth and depth of emotion spanning between positive and negative axes is truly amazing. No other species has such an array of experiences.
The good — and bad — news, depending on where one aligns along the axes at any given moment, is that nothing lasts forever. Appreciating the fluidity of our emotional state helps us to tolerate the hard times and relish the good times even more fully.
It can be hard to see our children struggle. As a result, many well-intentioned parents attempt to swoop in and same-day deliver endless material goods and/or heavily curated experiences in an attempt to manufacture happiness in their kids’ lives.
More nefariously, we parents may struggle with our own emotional disarray and feel guilt about not being the better version of ourselves we believe we should be. When buying favor doesn’t work, we gaslight our kids into believing they should be happy, telling them to suck it up or just get over it, whatever “it” is. We when-I-was-kid sermonize how much harder we had it which — not surprisingly — is completely annoying to every person under the age of twenty-one and contributes to their feeling entirely misunderstood.
So then we are all relationally disconnected, feeling as if no one understands, yet we put on our “life is fine” masquerade mask and head out the door because that is what getting it done looks like. Our kids, impressively adaptive, learn to follow suit. Everything looks okay, maybe even great to the casual observer, but beneath the surface there is a volcano about to erupt.
Because everything isn’t “fine” and happiness cannot be bought.
Every storyline, no matter the genre or media format, follows a formulaic arc, with inevitable highs and lows. That the credits inevitably roll during a crescendoing high belies the reality we all understand: the hero will still get knocked out by the flu, attend funerals, pay taxes, and experience relational discord when discussing whose relatives house to visit over the holidays.
I don’t enjoy seeing my kids struggle with challenging emotions just like I don’t enjoy seeing them experience adversity. But I know that navigating both is necessary for character development and honing their ability to cope in the world as a high-functioning adult.
In my opinion, one of the greatest gifts parents can offer their children it to help them learn how to successfully navigate the emotional terrain of childhood, surfing the full tsunami of feelings, so that they emerge into adulthood confident in their ability to take on whatever comes next.
This means we don’t swoop in to dry every tear and we don’t run interference for every problem. Because sometimes tears need to be shed and problems, especially those that are self-created, need to be self-solved.
What we can do is help our kids learn to identify the full range of emotions that they experience. We can help them to see cause-and-effect relationships between actions, thoughts, and feelings. We can describe our own emotional experience of the world and model healthy coping when things go sideways.
I am a realistic optimist when it comes to my kids and youth in general. I believe in their character and in their ability to do amazing things, but I know it won’t be easy. And I know they won’t always be happy. Hopefully they know this, too, and are ready for all of the breadth and depth of experiences that life has in store.
Caveat: just not being happy is not the same as being depressed. If you are concerned about your or a loved one’s mental health, please know that there is help available. For immediate assistance, call 988 National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. To find local treatment services in your area, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1–800–662-HELP.
